Finding a perfect balance

I had such an interesting conversation today where I least expected it, demonstrating to me yet again that if you are open to a theme you will start to see it more frequently, reinforcing learning. I was dropping my daughter off at the beautiful stables where she is lucky enough to ride every school holiday. We got into a discussion about pace of life and how easy it is to get sucked into the belief that work needs to take priority over everything. I see all too often people who spend lots of money on consumer goods, in order to validate and demonstrate their success, in turn then needing to continue to earn at the same level in order to maintain the consumerism and this perception of wealth and having done well. Of course the reality is that no amount of designer shirts and fast cars will plug the gap of someone who is there for you to laugh with you, love you, care for you and catch you when you fall, regardless of what you are in work. No amount of success in work will replace the bedtimes you didn't kiss your kids goodnight, the stories you didn't read, the little but important daily conversations you didn't have.

 

Now I'm no angel - there are plenty of times where I don't make it home for my kids bedtime, but on balance I I'm confident enough in myself and the value I bring to know where to draw the line. I'm happy to be late back once a week, I'll tolerate the occasional week where it's twice, but unless I'm actually away I won't let it drift to 3 times. More happily for me I don't feel the need to constantly look a certain way - I'm smart for work but outside of work you take me as I am - sometimes smart but mostly just comfortable. I don't care if my hair is perfect and I almost never wear make up out of work. My kids (both girls) know that beauty comes from within, what counts is how you act not how you look. It's all about balance, but that's easier said than done sometimes, and balance is a habit which like every good intention, takes commitment to achieve in the long term.

 

One of the points I made today (to 2 lovely ladies who have made that really difficult decision to step off the merry go-round and survived, nay prospered) is that the problem with working in any senior position is that it can easily become an addiction. You do well, you get promoted, you get paid more you feel important, wanted, needed. While you can argue men and women may get addicted to different elements of it, for both there's an adrenalin rush that comes with success which is difficult to ignore. Like any chemical rush, once you've felt it you want more - after all, a little bit of a good thing is what makes us get out of bed in the morning. Of course there is a dark side and sadly for many work gets out of control and becomes the slave master. Unfortunately it's too often only the shock of something going wrong - ill health, divorce, redundancy or worse that calls time on this and allows enough clarity to see that perhaps it wasn't all good. One of the ladies I was talking to illustrated this point perfectly when she told me of all the plans she and her husband had made for his retirement, only for him to fall ill and die within a 9 month period. All those plans dashed, all those times where they promised each other 'we'll do that when we retire', only for him to be taken so tragically from her. She shared the 3 principles she has now adopted:

1. To not be sad for ever more
2. To give herself permission to be happy
3. To say yes to every new opportunity

 It's really, really hard to see when you are stuck in this trap. Getting enough clarity to be able to properly look at the circle you are in is tough - that's why it often takes a shock for it to happen. What's even scarier then is making the decision to do something about it. My experience of talking to people who've taken that step - who've faced their fears and made such a change is this:

• The world didn't stop
• They and their families may be cash poorer but they so much richer in love and experience
• They are happier and healthier

 So what's your balance - is it right? Do you know what will matter when you look back in years to come - do you make the right calls? I ask myself this a lot - you can't always live only for today, but equally you shouldn't live only for tomorrow.

Living life slowly

Time is such a precious thing. This weekend I had just the one daughter at home - my eldest was chasing sheep in Somerset and my husband was reminiscing about days gone by at his 30 year reunion of joining the Royal Marines. We had been looking forward to this one on one time for ages - not because we don't like being together as a family, but because it's special to spend 2 days focusing solely on one person. Knowing that this is the child that loves to curl up and read, do craft projects and take life at her own pace, I'd also reconciled myself to the fact that the weekend as going to be quite relaxing. Having made the mental adjustment I was looking forward to that as well - I recognised that I needed a couple of days going at a slightly slower pace. As it was we walked, swam and did a whole range of things so it wasn't a duvet weekend at all, but it was still lovely.

The reason for sharing this is partly to remind myself of the importance of taking time out to relax and unwind properly. Also to recognise that I still feel the need to give myself permission to do just that. I love my exercise but more and more I'm recognising that there is a balance in this also and if I've kept fit and active through the week I don't need to knock myself out with some mega session at the weekend as well.

This post also comes from a growing observation about how easy it is not to look after the whole you when you are busy and time is limited. It's also very difficult to make the adjustments to a more balanced life when running at full pelt. No wonder people take time out for retreats and so on when they want to make a change. Changing the tyres on the race car when it's at top speed is neither easy nor is it the way to an optimum result. I've always said before that I wouldn't want to wait for a health scare before taking steps to slow things down. I don't think I'm in a place where that's a risk, but also I wonder whether the optimum approach is to fill every waking hour with 'stuff' until you are at retirement age and then hope you have a long retirement to enjoy the fruits of your labour. Trouble is I hear too many people for whom that doesn't work out.

My dilemma has always been whether I would fill every hour regardless of what I do and what I'm paid - so is it my nature to push myself hard all of the time? But could I create more space and time? One of the things I do that takes up a lot of time is commute. 3 days a week, 4 hours a day. I'm trialing only doing it 2 days a week. Does it matter? Does anyone notice? Is there a positive impact on the people who then see me more often in a different office? The other question I've asked myself is whether moving to 4 days a week would work and be beneficial. The risk I take is that everything gets squeezed into 4 days rather than 4.5 and I do the same amount but for less pay. It would give me more time for the family and me, but I'm not yet convinced the trade off would work in my favour.

I guess there's no moral or lesson to this post. I don't have the answers. I'm going to let it sit with me for a while longer to see what feels right. The answer will come if I'm open to the questions.

Thinking about my thinking

Yesterday was a day of fascinating conversations. First was breakfast with a group of female colleagues where we talked about everything from handbags and decision making jelly to the challenge of getting unbiased advice when you most need it - who can you go to when you need to hear it how it is...


I then had lunch with a wonderful lady who I was privileged enough to meet some years ago when she provided executive coaching to me. She opened my eyes and my heart to the science behind many of the beliefs that I had intuitively held but previously couldn't have credentialised - so important when you work in an organisation of expert leaders. This included the importance of happiness and the value of writing to unblock the unconscious thought to name but two.


The question of who we can each turn to in order to get the truth, whatever that is, without a personal agenda is a thorny one. Partnership is a wonderful principle of talented people working together towards a common purpose. Of course it also comes with the challenge that we are all individually measured and hence there is a strong risk of self serving behaviour. This becomes particularly acute when the going is tough and we live in uncertain times. We talked about this at some length and each agreed that it's difficult. We have the luxury of huge autonomy. With that autonomy comes more than enough rope to hang yourself with. Who is going to stop you if you are heading in that direction? Of course so much of this comes down to trust, and to trust you have to spend time building an understanding of them and them of you. This requires you to take time out and we are all so busy busy all of the time.


Being busy led neatly onto my lunchtime discussion. We were talking about reflection and the way the mind and heart are connected. The mind works on electrical impulses - this is essentially what our thoughts are made of. Practices of deep reflection, often through meditation, can supercharge these electrical impulses and stimulate the heart and mind and so creating new energy and creativity - fundamental for inspirational leadership and innovation. We talked about the importance of taking time out of our busy schedules to reflect deeply and unblock the unconscious thoughts within us. I shared that when I write I don't plan what I'm going to say beforehand - I start to type and it comes from within. Writing my thoughts down fuels my awareness and learning. By learning something new I'm making new neural connections in my brain, flexing a muscle and making it stronger.There's a whole body of science behind this which I love. I'm hopeless at remembering the scientific concepts in detail but even knowing enough to be able to say something is proven is helpful when sharing with others who need a more evidential approach in order to stimulate belief.


From this lunchtime conversation I have started exploring some new writers and thinkers. This morning it was Dr Joe Dispenza's TED talk on the 3 brains: thinking to doing to being. Simply put you start with an intellectual understanding of something new which encourages you to act in a different way (intention to behaviour) to create a new experience - both what you've done and how it makes you feel. The emotional response releases all kinds of chemicals in your brain which helps to rewire the synapses and creates a learning experience. By consciously repeating the action you hardwire the brain such that it becomes unconscious and you move from doing to being. The beauty of this is that it starts with Metacognition - thinking about what you are thinking about and making a decision to do something different. That takes some effort and requires you to consciously observe who you are being and who you want to be, then making steps towards it. I love that - it's such a simple but complex idea - I'm off to think about it!