What if you don't want to lean in?

The challenge of starting any new journey is knowing at least something about the destination. In learning to lean out the whole point is not to know the destination, and to be OK with that. People say that every journey starts with a single step. They may also add it's about the journey not the destination. My husband will tell you that preparation is everything and any successful person will state that clear goals are fundamental to achievement - both attaining it and measuring it. I am someone who is driven by goals, deadlines, achievements and next steps. I've done very well out of it - most would agree I'm highly successful, an achiever. On paper I am girl who has done good. Of course like so may I have doubts, imposter syndrome, fears that I'll be found out. But for me, I don't worry that I'll be found to be no good at what I do - that was the professional fear that overshadowed my 30's. In my 40's I fear that people will realise I don't love what I do. I have this (unreasonable) view that everybody else is completely on point and lined up to the corporate agenda and that it's just me who questions our goals and ways of working as being less than optimal. The fear of being found out as someone who is held up to be a role model but is actually just putting on a very convincing show - that's the worm I struggle to control.  I also fear the fact that I have a great job which brings financial security and choice, brings opportunity for my family, and all the while I want to knock it on the head and go and do something more meaningful.


So this is a journey about purpose, about meaning. It's also a reality check - there's much I do that I love, so my question to answer is how do I sort the wheat from the chaff. How do I make a positive change without throwing away what's good. I do this now because time is ticking on, the worm will only get bigger and I would hate to look back and realise I was never brave enough to confront it.


I've called this blog 'Learning to Lean Out' for good reason. Sheryl Sandberg penned the popular if divisive book 'Lean In' - supposedly about empowering women to step up and become the leaders they are destined to be. She advocates challenging the norms and champions more representation of women at the most senior levels in all industries. She does this from a position of intelligence and a strong, privileged upbringing. What she doesn't cover though is what to do if you get there and it's all a bit meaningless. I couple this with an exercise I took part  in on a recent development event. After a series of exercises in pairs on the question of 'Who am I?' we were asked to go again, but the catch we didn't understand initially was that this time it was to be silent, to just 'be' in our working pairs. We had expected another conversation and when faced with silence my pair found ourselves locked in a deeply uncomfortable 3 minute staring competition. When it ended we were the only ones who had found it excruciating, mostly because we had set ourselves up so badly, locked together as we were, seemingly unable to move. On reflection we could have eased the pain immediately by just leaning out to get some space - so simple, so obvious, so difficult in the moment.


I want to learn to lean out. I want to create the space, time and entitlement to explore my professional purpose. What do I love? What do I want to be defined by? Do I care if I leave a professional legacy or is it enough to know I fed, clothed and educated my children and kept the family in shiny things.


This is my journey. My aspirations are simple:


1. Make time to reflect about who I am and what my professional purpose is
2. Use writing as a way of exploring and recording my progress
3. Be curious, involve others in my exploration
4. Take a few risks, challenge myself to think beyond the ordinary
5. Be compassionate to myself - these aren't easy questions to answer


My framework and catalyst for this journey stems from two sources. I have just turned 43 - about the age my father was when he and Mum took a big decision to sell the business they had successfully built up to do something completely different (at the time they had no idea what). It's also about the age my husband was when he retired from his military career having served 22 years. The second catalyst is attending the first module of an Organisational Development programme which in asking the question (repeatedly) 'Who am I' quickly uncovered all the professional vulnerabilities I've stated above. It's time to answer that question!