Uncomfortable growth

 

Reflection takes a certain amount of brain space and with half term and work there doesn’t seem to have been much recently. The change in daylight hours also makes such a big difference to my energy levels. Getting up early feels like the middle of the night and by the time I leave the office – not late by many standards – it’s pitch black again. I could have a herd of elephants living in my garden and I wouldn’t know about it until the weekend! I yearn for longer days to restore this balance and we are not even at the shortest day yet. On the plus side the autumn colours are amazing and a brief glimpse of the trees is enough to nourish the soul from day to day.  

Alongside the closing of the year we have the most unexpected of political situations both sides of the Atlantic which is creating all kinds of uncertainty. Brexit was one call to arms from a UK population dissatisfied with Big Government policy which has the apparent effect of creating an ever increasing divide between those that have and those that have not. The US have gone one further though and elected an openly non-inclusive billionaire who’s never held political office in his life and has zero experience in running a government. It’s ironic that people have voted for Trump for greater equality when he appears to have a history of the complete opposite, whether it be financial or ethical.

 

While I could angst about what this will mean for me, my job and the future of my kids I can’t see the point of wasting all that energy. The simple fact is that we, the people, have voted for change and that’s what we will get. It might not be the change we wanted or expected, but it will be different. Change does have its benefits of course. Any change, like the seasons, brings a sense of new opportunity. The trick is knowing how to use that opportunity to make life a little better. That obviously also requires you to have thought about what ‘better’ means – it might not mean more money or responsibility but the opposite.

 

Amongst the uncertainty come interesting discussions as to when is enough – at what point can you set yourself free from the treadmill to do something you are really passionate about? Making a conscious decision to change and take a different level of risk is really hard to do, but how often do we hear about people who’ve done just that and grown significantly as a result of the experiences they’ve then had? The challenge is that we have families, mortgages, school fees, teams and so on to consider. Long gone are days when a decision was just about me. I now know what my mother meant when she said my school days would be the only time in my life I could be truly selfish!

 

Whether you take a big risk or a small one the risk of taking no risk is considerable. I met a lady earlier this year who admitted that she’d become increasingly anxious about taking any risk, and as she retreated further into her comfort zone it got smaller and smaller until she was scared to do anything new. Conversely I read the dust sheet of a new book I’m about to start about a lady who threw in a successful city job to row across various oceans singlehandedly, setting all kinds of records along the way. How she made her decision to go was fascinating – she wrote 2 obituaries – one where she stayed put and one where she didn’t, and then looked at which she’d prefer to have written about her when she was gone.

 

Both these women are extreme examples but they illustrate the point that risk taking can be good for you in respect of personal growth. I’m a great believer in doing new things in order to grow – so far its worked out ok… Its why I’ll never be truly wealthy, but I’ll be rich in experience and have more stories to tell when I can no longer get out and create new ones.

Finding a perfect balance

I had such an interesting conversation today where I least expected it, demonstrating to me yet again that if you are open to a theme you will start to see it more frequently, reinforcing learning. I was dropping my daughter off at the beautiful stables where she is lucky enough to ride every school holiday. We got into a discussion about pace of life and how easy it is to get sucked into the belief that work needs to take priority over everything. I see all too often people who spend lots of money on consumer goods, in order to validate and demonstrate their success, in turn then needing to continue to earn at the same level in order to maintain the consumerism and this perception of wealth and having done well. Of course the reality is that no amount of designer shirts and fast cars will plug the gap of someone who is there for you to laugh with you, love you, care for you and catch you when you fall, regardless of what you are in work. No amount of success in work will replace the bedtimes you didn't kiss your kids goodnight, the stories you didn't read, the little but important daily conversations you didn't have.

 

Now I'm no angel - there are plenty of times where I don't make it home for my kids bedtime, but on balance I I'm confident enough in myself and the value I bring to know where to draw the line. I'm happy to be late back once a week, I'll tolerate the occasional week where it's twice, but unless I'm actually away I won't let it drift to 3 times. More happily for me I don't feel the need to constantly look a certain way - I'm smart for work but outside of work you take me as I am - sometimes smart but mostly just comfortable. I don't care if my hair is perfect and I almost never wear make up out of work. My kids (both girls) know that beauty comes from within, what counts is how you act not how you look. It's all about balance, but that's easier said than done sometimes, and balance is a habit which like every good intention, takes commitment to achieve in the long term.

 

One of the points I made today (to 2 lovely ladies who have made that really difficult decision to step off the merry go-round and survived, nay prospered) is that the problem with working in any senior position is that it can easily become an addiction. You do well, you get promoted, you get paid more you feel important, wanted, needed. While you can argue men and women may get addicted to different elements of it, for both there's an adrenalin rush that comes with success which is difficult to ignore. Like any chemical rush, once you've felt it you want more - after all, a little bit of a good thing is what makes us get out of bed in the morning. Of course there is a dark side and sadly for many work gets out of control and becomes the slave master. Unfortunately it's too often only the shock of something going wrong - ill health, divorce, redundancy or worse that calls time on this and allows enough clarity to see that perhaps it wasn't all good. One of the ladies I was talking to illustrated this point perfectly when she told me of all the plans she and her husband had made for his retirement, only for him to fall ill and die within a 9 month period. All those plans dashed, all those times where they promised each other 'we'll do that when we retire', only for him to be taken so tragically from her. She shared the 3 principles she has now adopted:

1. To not be sad for ever more
2. To give herself permission to be happy
3. To say yes to every new opportunity

 It's really, really hard to see when you are stuck in this trap. Getting enough clarity to be able to properly look at the circle you are in is tough - that's why it often takes a shock for it to happen. What's even scarier then is making the decision to do something about it. My experience of talking to people who've taken that step - who've faced their fears and made such a change is this:

• The world didn't stop
• They and their families may be cash poorer but they so much richer in love and experience
• They are happier and healthier

 So what's your balance - is it right? Do you know what will matter when you look back in years to come - do you make the right calls? I ask myself this a lot - you can't always live only for today, but equally you shouldn't live only for tomorrow.

Living life slowly

Time is such a precious thing. This weekend I had just the one daughter at home - my eldest was chasing sheep in Somerset and my husband was reminiscing about days gone by at his 30 year reunion of joining the Royal Marines. We had been looking forward to this one on one time for ages - not because we don't like being together as a family, but because it's special to spend 2 days focusing solely on one person. Knowing that this is the child that loves to curl up and read, do craft projects and take life at her own pace, I'd also reconciled myself to the fact that the weekend as going to be quite relaxing. Having made the mental adjustment I was looking forward to that as well - I recognised that I needed a couple of days going at a slightly slower pace. As it was we walked, swam and did a whole range of things so it wasn't a duvet weekend at all, but it was still lovely.

The reason for sharing this is partly to remind myself of the importance of taking time out to relax and unwind properly. Also to recognise that I still feel the need to give myself permission to do just that. I love my exercise but more and more I'm recognising that there is a balance in this also and if I've kept fit and active through the week I don't need to knock myself out with some mega session at the weekend as well.

This post also comes from a growing observation about how easy it is not to look after the whole you when you are busy and time is limited. It's also very difficult to make the adjustments to a more balanced life when running at full pelt. No wonder people take time out for retreats and so on when they want to make a change. Changing the tyres on the race car when it's at top speed is neither easy nor is it the way to an optimum result. I've always said before that I wouldn't want to wait for a health scare before taking steps to slow things down. I don't think I'm in a place where that's a risk, but also I wonder whether the optimum approach is to fill every waking hour with 'stuff' until you are at retirement age and then hope you have a long retirement to enjoy the fruits of your labour. Trouble is I hear too many people for whom that doesn't work out.

My dilemma has always been whether I would fill every hour regardless of what I do and what I'm paid - so is it my nature to push myself hard all of the time? But could I create more space and time? One of the things I do that takes up a lot of time is commute. 3 days a week, 4 hours a day. I'm trialing only doing it 2 days a week. Does it matter? Does anyone notice? Is there a positive impact on the people who then see me more often in a different office? The other question I've asked myself is whether moving to 4 days a week would work and be beneficial. The risk I take is that everything gets squeezed into 4 days rather than 4.5 and I do the same amount but for less pay. It would give me more time for the family and me, but I'm not yet convinced the trade off would work in my favour.

I guess there's no moral or lesson to this post. I don't have the answers. I'm going to let it sit with me for a while longer to see what feels right. The answer will come if I'm open to the questions.

Thinking about my thinking

Yesterday was a day of fascinating conversations. First was breakfast with a group of female colleagues where we talked about everything from handbags and decision making jelly to the challenge of getting unbiased advice when you most need it - who can you go to when you need to hear it how it is...


I then had lunch with a wonderful lady who I was privileged enough to meet some years ago when she provided executive coaching to me. She opened my eyes and my heart to the science behind many of the beliefs that I had intuitively held but previously couldn't have credentialised - so important when you work in an organisation of expert leaders. This included the importance of happiness and the value of writing to unblock the unconscious thought to name but two.


The question of who we can each turn to in order to get the truth, whatever that is, without a personal agenda is a thorny one. Partnership is a wonderful principle of talented people working together towards a common purpose. Of course it also comes with the challenge that we are all individually measured and hence there is a strong risk of self serving behaviour. This becomes particularly acute when the going is tough and we live in uncertain times. We talked about this at some length and each agreed that it's difficult. We have the luxury of huge autonomy. With that autonomy comes more than enough rope to hang yourself with. Who is going to stop you if you are heading in that direction? Of course so much of this comes down to trust, and to trust you have to spend time building an understanding of them and them of you. This requires you to take time out and we are all so busy busy all of the time.


Being busy led neatly onto my lunchtime discussion. We were talking about reflection and the way the mind and heart are connected. The mind works on electrical impulses - this is essentially what our thoughts are made of. Practices of deep reflection, often through meditation, can supercharge these electrical impulses and stimulate the heart and mind and so creating new energy and creativity - fundamental for inspirational leadership and innovation. We talked about the importance of taking time out of our busy schedules to reflect deeply and unblock the unconscious thoughts within us. I shared that when I write I don't plan what I'm going to say beforehand - I start to type and it comes from within. Writing my thoughts down fuels my awareness and learning. By learning something new I'm making new neural connections in my brain, flexing a muscle and making it stronger.There's a whole body of science behind this which I love. I'm hopeless at remembering the scientific concepts in detail but even knowing enough to be able to say something is proven is helpful when sharing with others who need a more evidential approach in order to stimulate belief.


From this lunchtime conversation I have started exploring some new writers and thinkers. This morning it was Dr Joe Dispenza's TED talk on the 3 brains: thinking to doing to being. Simply put you start with an intellectual understanding of something new which encourages you to act in a different way (intention to behaviour) to create a new experience - both what you've done and how it makes you feel. The emotional response releases all kinds of chemicals in your brain which helps to rewire the synapses and creates a learning experience. By consciously repeating the action you hardwire the brain such that it becomes unconscious and you move from doing to being. The beauty of this is that it starts with Metacognition - thinking about what you are thinking about and making a decision to do something different. That takes some effort and requires you to consciously observe who you are being and who you want to be, then making steps towards it. I love that - it's such a simple but complex idea - I'm off to think about it!

Your truth may not be mine

Last week marked the third and last module of my OD practitioners programme and I can safely say it's been a huge joy and privilege to go on that learning journey with the people I did. The last module looked at the organisation and as before gave so many insights into what we experience every day in our work and personal life. As before the reflections are only just sinking in and I've made a long list of posts to write about. This blog came about from the first module and I've found that writing helps me to embed and explore what I'm trying to make sense of. It's been hugely useful for me.

I thought I'd start with an obvious one. On day one we got into a discussion of ourselves as part of a system, in this case the organisations that we work for. By simply being there, through your action or inaction, you affect the system and its outcomes. I saw this first hand in module 2 when we explored the impact of  individuals in a group - by saying nothing it can have a huge impact on others - both positive and negative.

Part of recognising and understanding the dynamics of a system is to recognise each person arrives with their own set of truths. Our previous experiences, bias, beliefs and relationships will all affect how we view a system and what's going on in it. This perception we bring affects how we try and influence an situation, and who we try and influence. It can dictate who we naturally side with and the stances we take. Not only does your perception of the past change the way you might act, but also your perception of future opportunity. If you believe the future is bright, you're more likely to be positive about the here and now, even if it's not all going your way. The opposite can be true also of course.

Given you can never hope to know all of what has gone before, all of the individual nuances of each person in a system, the question is how to know enough to be effective and to make interventions that have positive outcomes?

One of my key learnings is to take the time to talk to people and understand their truth. We are all different and how I see a situation is likely to be different to how you see it. Where you sit in a system affects your truth - at the bottom of the organisation when you have less control, actions can feel like they are being done to you. At the top it's hard to understand the impact of this, even if you came up through a system and know it well. It evolves constantly, times and truths change. By understanding what you see I can understand the impact of the system on you. The challenge of course is we never have enough time and so this seems like a luxury. But is it? Given every system is the product of its people, only people and their actions can change a system. As a leader you must therefore make the time to understand the different versions of the truth in your system and reconcile these sufficiently to appreciate which levers you can pull in order to progress. This is why all good leaders need time and space to reflect, and a management team to put into action the leadership decisions (you'd need to be superhuman to do both). The best leaders will also have taken the time to see a set of decisions through a variety of eyes, from the shop floor up, learning and course correcting as they go. Not an easy skill to acquire.

Slowing down

My intention was to start this post with a comment about 'some days, I just don't feel like it', but actually when I started to write it translated into some thoughts about slowing down. I've just had 2 days on a coaching course about relationship selling and how to help team members sell less in order to win more. It all makes absolute sense - spend time getting to know the person you are trying to establish a working relationship with , understand their needs, issues and constraints, be empathic in your discussions with them, prepare more for more productive outcomes. So if it's so obvious, why don't I do this every day?

I found myself at one point getting quite frustrated with a member of the group who was making the point that as coaches we should make additional time to prep for coaching others. "How?" my inner voice was screaming! "Who's making time for me?" Who's helping me prioritise the multitude of different demands on my time that might be just another meeting for me but really important for the person I'm meeting. My diary is my biggest constraint and yet only I can tame it and bring it under control. In doing so I worry that I may become the leader who appears aloof and distant, with little or no time to spend with anyone.

3 other concepts I'm going to capture here due to their wider applicability:
1. Win / Win scenarios and the goal to always think in this way. If a relationship or project is not win / win then the loser will quickly become disheartened and lose momentum so dragging the winner into a losing position over time.
2. Yellow lights - the signals which give you a sense of confusion or concern. While they can be easy to ignore its worth taking the time to check whether it's safe to carry on or not.
3. Value justification - what you are willing and able to pay / give up.

Given all this is highly transferable into every aspect of life, today on my train journey in I'm pausing, going slow to think about what I can do differently. If  2 days out of the normal office routine doesn't result in some change in behaviour why bother? If I'm going to be as effective as I can be and maintain some overall sanity, my diary is the starting point. Much as I'd like to wipe the week clean and start again, I can think about what are the important meetings, commit fully to those and then see what room is left for the other stuff. Maybe if I take some stuff out no one will even notice?!

As for who's coaching me, it's a good question. One to ponder on.

What's my purpose #3

In a recent conversation I made the observation that maybe purpose doesn't need to be one big thing - maybe it's a combination of little things that on reflection, over time, become a guiding purpose. The power of reflection is fickle; sometimes you get an insight in a moment, other times it takes years.

It's easy to look at inspirational achievers and think they must have had it sussed from the outset - how could someone be so dedicated / clear / impactful unless they had always known what they were striving for? I know for some this is the case - elite athletes seem to know exactly what they are aiming for and every part of what they do is focused on delivering to those goals - often with significant sacrifice I might add. But when I read or listen to the stories of others who have achieved great things I notice that there is a common theme that they didn't know what this was all in service of until they looked back and put their story together. It's the reflection and refinement of their message that makes it all clear.

This couples nicely with the power of story. I was encouraged recently to watch a TED Talk on the 'Power of a Single Story', the essence of which is that if you only tell a single story about yourself then this is what people will see and believe of you, so take the time to look for or tell the other stories to show the multiple facets of who you are. Conversely if you want to reinforce a message or a purpose, be consistent in how you tell the story to shape what you want people to believe. I suspect politicians worked this out a while back!

I know that I'm beginning the see my story, and feel confident in a growing sense of purpose that wasn't there for me even a few years ago. The nice thing about now having passed the 2 year mark at work also is that I'm feeling now a sense of commitment and loyalty that just wasn't there initially. Is this a time thing - maybe that's part of it. Is it a feeling of belonging - I think that helps as well. For me though I believe that much of it has come about from this reflection and taking some time to think about where I bring value - where do I feel most engaged and valued for my contribution. I know that the little interventions I make with the people around me - the time I spend talking to them about not only what they are trying to do but how they might do it - is important. Increasingly it feels like this is where I can make a difference. We can all focus on selling, and this is important - it's what pays our bills, but also focusing on how people feel about themselves and the people around them as they go about this is different.

I've getting clearer and more confident every day about the legacy I want to leave, and hence my purpose and path. I want to create an environment where people can strike a balance and be the best they can be at work while still finding the balance to be the best they can be out of work. It's easy to write that and much harder to achieve, particularly in a high performing, metrics led organisation. The good news is that I'm in an organisation that believes this is the right thing to do, even if it's not happening everywhere, everyday. I think that's why I'm finally feeling like a fully paid up member of the team.