Who am I?

This weekend I had an interesting conversation with Abi, 9, about Imposter Syndrome and the feelings we all experience about being the only one who doesn't quite fit. She was setting off on her first properly independent trip - a whole week away staying at a riding stables where she will be responsible for her own pony all week. She was natuarally worried that everyone else would know what they were doing, that she wouldn't be as good as them and that as a result she would be the problem child. Of course in reality she would neither have been invited to attend, nor would I have allowed it had she not been more than capable. The only person not ready for this is me - letting her go was hard, mainly because it's another step towards her growing up and it feels so quick.

When I relate this to work I see the same fears and lack of self belief everywhere. It's the reason I left practice the first time, and probably a big part of why I came back - to prove to myself and others that I was capable of performing at this level. The strange thing for me is that I find myself nearly 2 years down the line knowing that I'm capable - I now have the maturity to see that I'm a very capable partner, sort after for both client work and as a role model and leader. My problem is slightly different - my imposter syndrome is about the goals we set and my interest in them.

When I think about purpose, I look for some common value to more than a small group of people. For example a high street store has social value in the provision of goods, jobs and a consumer experience that is part of the fabric of the developed world (one can debate the morality of this when so much of the world has so little another day). It also provides shareholder return in respect of its results and network worth. The Tata Steel debate threw up an interesting question this morning as to whether we value manufacturing jobs more than service ones. I'm not sure but I do know that I found more purpose working for a company that made something than one that delivers professional services. But more so, my problem is one of the proportional number of beneficiaries and the longevity. In my world the very few (i.e. Partners) benefit from the many and it's mostly about in year benefit. I'm not so naive that I don't recognise that in any corporate environment the wealth of the C-Suite is massive disproportionate to the shop floor, but at least they are rewarded  over a longer period and have a legacy in the shares they carry beyond employment.

I feel I'm one of the few who struggles with this dilemma. In reality the imposter syndrome that affects me is likely more common than I would believe. I do like the rewards so I am also disingenuous in this respect - if I had a real problem I would offer my services to a more deserving organisation that pays everyone the same. I'm not doing that...so my problem is a more deep routed one.

So deep down, I think the question is actually one of stimulus. If I'm completely honest the content of my job appeals in my ways, but the ways in which I'm measured doesn't. I heard today that this is recognised and could be under consideration - I guess I have an obligation to myself to follow that up. Worth pursuing all lines of enquiry before I throw in the towel.